Divorce, What It Means for Property and Debt

When you think about property in a divorce, it's not just a question of what you own (your assets) when a marriage ends.

There's also the unpleasant reality of debts. Just like the courts divide assets, they also divide debts in a divorce settlement. The biggest kinds of debt besides a mortgage are car loans and credit card debt.

Debt generated before marriage is considered separate debt. In addition, some states treat some types of debt (most often credit card debt) as separate debt, depending on which spouse signed the credit card application. Other states consider all debt generated during marriage to be joint debt. Any debt will be divided according to the law of the state where you live, so it's important to understand how your state treats debt in a marriage.

Some Important Exercises and Questions to Consider in a Divorce

1. List your significant assets. Could any of these assets be considered separate? Do you have any assets now that you owned before marriage?

2. Now list your debts. Remember to include things like car loans or mortgages as well as credit card debt. How do you think your debts would be seen by a divorce court? Would any be considered separate? Check the law in your state to see if credit card debt is seen as the responsibility of the couple or the person whose name appears on the account.

3. If you don't own intangible property (such as a business), talk to someone who does, and see how they would put a dollar value on it. Ask about the difference between the financial value and the emotional value of the asset.

Find out how he or she would feel about having a judge put a dollar value on the asset. How would this person feel about having to buy out his or her spouse for the half interest in the business? Do you think this is fair?

4. How can you find out whether the state where you live is a community-property state? Would knowing that change anything about the way you handle your property? (Remember, property can include all sorts of things-from a car to a retirement account.)

5. What kinds of records or documents would a person have to keep in order to show that he or she owned property before getting married? Why could this be important?

6. Here's a good one: The vows a couple says when they get married aren't the legally enforceable terms of the contract defined by the state that makes them a married couple. Try explaining to someone else the difference between marriage vows and a contract. It's the best way to see if you understand the difference yourself!

Divorce can be unpleasant enough without dealing with surprises concerning property and debt, and who owns what or owes what portion. Having these questions answered before you start the divorce process will save you time and money on attorney fees, as well as any hidden surprises once the divorce process actually begins.

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Taking Time Out to Smell the Roses

It used to be that I was a workaholic. I'd have my days scheduled top to bottom with things to do. Sitting still used to make me anxious! I kept thinking about all the stuff I HAD to do. Yeah, I didn't think about what I wanted to do or what I enjoyed doing, but about what I HAD to do.

As you've probably guessed, I'm no longer a workaholic. I understand that I'm a human being and not a human doing. But it took me a while to rejoin the human beings.

When we're going through a lot of stress, like getting divorced, most of us tend to become human doings. We get caught up in everything we HAVE to do and forget to allow ourselves the much needed time to adjust to the HUGE changes we're going through. Sometimes, all the things we have to do become so large that we become almost paralyzed by them. We just don't do much of anything for a while. (This is when our bodies have taken over and essentially forced us to relax.) Think of it as a version of freeze in the fight, flight, or freeze response.

One of the things you can do to help yourself remain a human being and avoid becoming a human doing and the fight, flight or freeze response is to regularly take time out to smell the roses. Now you can literally go and smell roses or any other flowers you like as a way to take a break and reconnect with the rest of the human beings. But I suspect there just might be something else you'd like to do that is equally inexpensive that can help you reconnect with you.

Some things you might consider are:

• Going for a walk
• Taking a swim at the community pool
• Going for a picnic
• Taking a drive to the country side
• Hiking in the woods

You get the picture, there are plenty of things you can do that cost little to nothing and yet can be really rejuvenating. Just a simple change in scenery can often work wonders.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What are some simple ways you can "smell the roses"? I find that the best time to think of these things is when you don't need them. If you find that you do need them right now, then just try one of the ones I listed above.

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More Men Receiving Spousal and Child Support

After a divorce, spousal support (known as maintenance) and child support often has to be paid by one half a former couple to their ex-partner. This usually occurs where one spouse earns more than the other, particularly if the difference is significant.

In the past it was usual for men to earn much more than women. In fact, there was a time when women in work was rare and they usually stayed at home to look after children. With women having never worked or having given up work it meant that their earning potential was limited post-divorce. They may have given up the opportunity of a career to be a wife and mother, with the latter continuing after the divorce. This caused laws to be introduced whereby men would be required to make maintenance payments to their ex-wives, both to support themselves and, where relevant, support their children. Maintenance would depend on the difference in earnings as well as each person's costs.

Sometimes maintenance and child support is agreed between a former couple while there are other times when it is dictated by a court of law. If one half of a former couple do not believe they are getting the support they should be they can seek legal assistance in an attempt to gain this. Where it is deemed that the lower earning person or the parent with primary custody should be receiving support then this will be ordered. This can be particularly the case where one person has given up a potential career for family reasons, such as staying at home to look after children.

In the past maintenance and child support was something that in the vast majority of cases was paid by men to women. While this is still more common, times are changing, and women supporting men in this way has become more of a regular occurrence.

It is no longer certain that a man will earn more than his wife with more women in high authority positions and more women earning high salaries. An increasing number of couples decide that it make sense for the husband to stay home a look after their children while his higher earning wife works.

Due to the changing nature of families it is more common that a woman is in a better financial position that her ex-husband after their divorce. This means that instances of women having to make maintenance payments to men is becoming increasingly common. With men also looking after children more it means that cases of them having primary custody of children post-divorce is also becoming more common. Mothers are, therefore, more likely to have to pay child support rather than receive it.

There is much more variety in how families work these days with it not always the case that a man is the higher earner. This means that men are more likely to need the financial support of their ex-wives, and in turn, more likely to receive spousal support or child support. The proportion of men receiving support is still low compared with women but it is rising, a trend that is likely to continue in the future.

Andrew Marshall ©

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The Most Important Thing for a Successful Relationship Isn't Communication

Relationships take work. They take work to make them work and grow. And they take work to be redefined or completely dissolved when you get divorced. Whether you're looking to make a relationship work, redefine it or dissolve it, the most important thing is communication.

Well, I disagree. I think these experts miss the mark. Communication is very important in relationships, but how many times have you communicated with someone and there was a misunderstanding, or feelings got hurt, or tempers flared? Just communicating with someone isn't what makes a relationship work or helps to redefine it or dissolve it. It's the quality of the communication that is vital to the success of a relationship and it's transition.

Now I hope you're asking, "What does she mean by the quality of the communication?" because that's exactly the question I'm going to answer now.

The quality of communication is all about being truthful and respectful in how you express yourself. Its about allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your truth about you. But vulnerability is a funny thing. It can work against you and leave you feeling shame, fear and imprisoned. It can also work for you and leave you feeling free and affirmed. You can experience this affirming kind of vulnerability only when you have a deep connection, appreciation and love for yourself. You have to really know yourself to allow yourself to be freed by your vulnerability.

Having a deep connection with yourself is required for a truthful and respectful quality communication. If you don't know yourself, it's hard to be truthful about what's going on with you - what you're thinking, what you're doing, how you're feeling, and why you might be thinking, doing, and feeling what you are. This isn't to say that you have to know EVERYTHING about you to have a high quality of communication. A connection with yourself is more about the ability to be truthful with yourself and spending time exploring your thoughts, feelings and behaviors so you can understand and connect with yourself even more deeply. It's about your willingness to be present with yourself and explore what makes you you.

The thing is, it's not always easy to have a deep connection with yourself. Normal life experiences can get in the way of your connection with you. I remind myself this by H.A.L.T. When I'm feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired it's probably not a good idea for me to attempt a quality communication with someone because these needs that must be dealt with first. I'll bet the same holds true for you.

When we're hungry our bodies are demanding attention. It can become virtually impossible to be consistently aware of much else besides the search for food. When we're angry, our fight, flight or freeze response is generally engaged and we're not aware about much of anything else about ourselves. When we're lonely and feeling disconnected, we're not connected with ourselves or anyone else. And when we're tired, our bodies and minds are pulling us away from any connection with ourselves outside of the need to recharge and relax.

I have a strong belief in not being able to give to someone else what I don't have for myself. If I'm not feeling appreciation, compassion, and love for myself, it's VERY, VERY difficult, if not impossible, for me to give to someone else. Sound familiar?

And yet, being respectful, which comes from a sense of appreciation and compassion if not of love, is a requirement for quality communication. It's kinda like those oxygen masks that are supposed to drop from the compartments above our heads in an airplane should the cabin lose air pressure. You put your mask on first before you help anyone else with theirs. If you don't put your mask on first, you run the risk of not being able to help anyone else or yourself. You've got to make sure you've got what you need to be able to help before you do help.

What happens if you don't have a sense of appreciation, compassion and love for yourself and attempt to communicate truthfully? You then to experience fear and shame - the negative side of vulnerability. Sharing yourself and feeling fear and shame destroys the quality of communication. It eats away at the connection between two people and begins to eliminate the possibility of joy, creativity, belonging, and love for them.

Like most things in life, our communication experience depends on us. In order to consistently communicate truthfully and respectfully with others, we must consistently come from a place of deep connection, appreciation and love for ourselves. This isn't always easy to do. Developing and nurturing this communion with ourselves is at the root of the work required for the quality communication that relationships need to be able to survive, grow, change and yes, even end.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What role did communication play in your separation and/or divorce? Many of my clients point to a lack of communication being at the root of their separation and divorce. At first they tend to blame their former spouse. And, yet, once we dig more into situation, they will often realize that their lack of connection with themselves also played a role in the poor quality of communication they had in their marriage.

How can you nurture a deeper connection, appreciation and love for yourself? Taking care of yourself is where I always suggest people start. Make sure you're getting enough exercise, sleep, nutrition and hydration and you'll be able to focus more on discovering and appreciating you.

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Boundaries in Time

As I sat listening to the young woman describe what she thought her boundaries should look like I heard a list of demands that were, quite frankly, over the edge. Boundaries are for keeping sanity in your life and not for keeping people from being close to you. Boundaries are not to be used as weapons against those we know and love. Many times people who set boundaries are afraid that they will upset the people they love. Does that concern you? Some people actually feel guilty for having boundaries.

In my line of work, I have to be at my best. I want as much information possible at my finger tips so I read at least one book each week; attend seminars; and keep up-to-date with my continuing education classes. Like most professionals, I believe it's very important to be "in the know" and up-to-speed on all the latest information that will help me provide the best counseling services to my clients. I enjoy that time of study each and every day. Over the years as my practice has grown, I have found it has become more difficult to find time to read. This was really bothering me! One day, out of frustration, I picked up my calendar and blocked out time that afforded me time to study and read. Still to this day, I now have time to read! It is a part of my daily agenda. Setting this boundary wasn't hard to do! I just had to follow through to make it happen!

I get asked the question, "Where should I center my boundaries?" If someone wants your time, your money, or wants your love, then you need to set boundaries. Time boundaries are easy to violate. Remember the young woman I wrote about last week? She didn't set any time limits for the date with her boyfriend and unfortunately she paid the price by being tired at work the next day. Why? She didn't tell her date she needed to be back at home by a certain time. She allowed her time boundary to be violated.

Let's say there is a timeline that a certain job has to be completed at work and if it is not done correctly and on time your job is at risk. What would you do to make sure that doesn't happen? I'm sure that you would not take calls at your desk or allow co-workers to stop and talk about "Dancing with the Stars". Nor would you start texting or return text messages from friends and family. The reason is your boss put a timeline for his project to get completed. Can you do that in your own personal life? Can you be disciplined enough to make that happen? I like to ask my clients these questions: Who owns you? Who controls you? Do you control your mind, or does your mind control you?

In your opinion, what are the three boundaries where people constantly violate your time? This list can include your children, family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances. Why do you feel they violate these boundaries? How frustrated do you feel when you are unable to say anything about it? What holds you back from saying anything to them? These are the fact finding questions that you must ask yourself. Time is a precious commodity to waste. It's like gold or a rare coin. You need to protect it at all costs.

Now list the three top offenders who violate your time. List how they violate your time and what are your plans are to make changes. What will these changes do to improve your boundaries?

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries? Do you have difficulty telling people 'no'? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Does your spouse, children or co-workers need to know your boundaries? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to start planning for taking control of your life.

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Coping With the End of a Relationship or Divorce

Sadly there is no way of avoiding the hurt and emotional turmoil caused by a divorce or the end of a long term relationship. Even when both parties agree that a divorce is the best solution, the process is still heart wrenching and enormously distressing. It is not simply the cessation of the relationship you have to deal with, but the end of your shared hopes and dreams for the future. The way you envisaged living your life will evaporate before your eyes, leaving you feeling lost, exposed and lonely.

A divorce does not simply affect your relationship; it can have a huge impact on every aspect of your life, including your living situation, your family, your children and even your friends. A divorce can also have a detrimental impact on your confidence, leaving you to feel isolated and wondering whether you'll ever meet anyone else. It is these very fears that cause many people to endure an unhappy relationship rather than seeking a divorce and starting afresh.

Coping with a divorce:

Understand that the emotions you have will be confused and will manifest themselves in different ways at different stages. You will experience exhaustion, frustration, anxiety and sadness, and these feelings will be intense and will last for longer than you'd like. It is important to realise that these feelings are part of the process. They will lessen over time. Just stick with it, eat properly, try and sleep and eventually the fear and heartache will lessen.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone wants to feel as if they are superhuman and are able to go on functioning as normal. This is completely unrealistic. Accept that for a time you are not going to be at your best. Take some time off work if you can and collect your thoughts. By soldiering on and keeping busy it may take you longer to come to the terms with the reality of the situation.

Friends and family are incredibly valuable when going through a divorce. Talk to them. They'll be there for you and will accept that you're not always going to be in the best of moods. They'll provide you with an understanding ear and may have gone through a similar situation themselves.

By not fighting your feelings and accepting you have suffered a loss, you will get through this tough time. Grief is essential to the healing process, and although at times you may feel as if life is never going to get better, it will.

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Divorce: Maturity and Forgiveness Is the Key

"If I speak - just the way I write, my voice registers high and cracks on the question mark, like a form of death... "

Divorce is termination. It's the termination of the family as a unit. Sad... it's very unfortunate. It loses one to oblivion.

One wonders... is marriage disposable? Is it fragile, frugal, and low maintenance?

Do we marry just out of curiosity? Why we start feeding the vengeful, angry, violent wolf in our heart leaving the compassionate, moral, decent one hungry?!

Emotions, maturity, compromise, and forgiveness - all words have lost their power. We submit ourselves to this quiet stillness of night and embrace the deep recluse called divorce. What pain!

It's a sad reflection on part of country like India, traditionally which, had witnessed one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. But, time has changed.

The D-tag does not qualify one as a social misfit or the one with something wrong. On the contrary the popularity of websites that are meant to comfort troubled souls, reflect, how more and more urbanites are opting for divorce in India.

Studies support, that about nine times more divorce cases had been filed in the past decade. Experts think that the rising trend is reflective of India's changing socio-economic conditions where more exposure through television, social networking sites, and vast knowledge pool that is accessible on internet and the global business scenario has influenced them to adopt lifestyle liberation.

Newer values are emerging, where the notion of sanctity associated with marriage seems to lose gradually.

Even courts too have dropped the traditional view of marriages being sacred, granting divorce where reconciliation seemed remote...
Major reasons for divorce

We find, as against sixteen in the Western nations, India generally accepts five main reasons as sufficient grounds for divorce.These are:

1. The financial independence of women: This leads to refusal to submission to their husbands' more traditional views of marriage.

2. Adultery: Disruption of cohabitation, or absence of just or reasonable cause and their combination.

3. Physical, mental abuse or the neglect.

4. Physical inability of the couple to consummate - including the refusal by one spouse to do so

5. Mental and physical illness and/or sexually transmitted diseases.

Effect in every reason is nothing but - the dreaded - divorce. And, the end is the wretched man-less woman or vice-versa. Both options are equally devastating.

Arundhati Roy speaks about protagonist Ammus' quick divorce reflecting the social and cultural stigma of divorce in India through her book, "The God of Small Things."

Big cities, small towns - it's the same story. And, it repeats...
More and more couples are coming out of their cocoons to escape the pains of a discordant family. The courts flood with squabbling couples. Crime against women cells & matrimonial courts are created.

Psychologists' view point:

Psychologists attribute it to the nuclear family structure, modern lifestyle and professional tensions that play behind this phenomenal increase.

What we take on this thought? Will the second marriage bring relief?

This issue needs no debate, considering the mammoth number of registrations at the matrimonial sites. The choice is individual and the option lays with both genders alike.

Research reports continue to get published, and we are convinced that though divorce rates have gone up still the institution of marriage is revered and this hard hitting mental trauma called divorce is still frowned up.

Here, a faint streak of sun shines.

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The Effects of Divorce on Teenagers

Divorce is a process which spares no one caught it in. As individuals the broken couple has to suffer a lot but their children, particularly teenagers, perhaps suffer the most. Teenagers whose parents are divorced or getting divorced are put into a dilemma which affects their psyche, their studies and eventually their personality.

Although there is a myriad of ways for teenager to perceive their parent's divorce, depending on the premise of the divorce and the attitude of the teenager, in most cases teenagers either blame themselves or their parents. Both of these conditions lead to changes in a teen's personality which can be long-term and quite hazardous.

When teens blame their parents, they tend to believe that their parents don't care about them and that they are the ones responsible for jeopardizing their life-for divorce comes with an aftermath which is an amalgam of financial problems, moving to another place, parental negligence and a new family setup. This makes the teens hate their parents and do anything that would show to their parents that they don't care about them either. Teenagers, with this belief, tend to argue with their parents, show disruptive behaviors in schools, lose interest in studies, indulge in sexual behavior, inflict abuse on others, use drugs and join a risk-seeking group. These kids become very sensitive, stubborn and rebellious and feel embarrassed on the very mention of their parents' divorce. To overcome their embarrassment they keep their guard up by either isolating themselves or being so offensive that people would let them be.

It may seem to some people that teenagers are old enough to understand the technicalities of a relationship and can accept the crude reality of divorce and separation. But teenagers are just as susceptible as little children, if not more, and to save themselves from the painful truth and to avoid hating their parents, teenagers start blaming themselves for the divorce. Such teenagers tend to tumble-down the tunnel of guilt and dismay. They go into severe depression and try to make up for what they believe is their fault, by taking extra care of their parents, being overprotective and taking up too many responsibilities This kind of attitude reflects in their poor grades and nonexistent social life, as their time is spent trying to mend the broken family. They dwell in a fantasy world which they cannot escape-a psychological bound with no end.

Divorce is a difficult decision which has no roundabout, though that doesn't mean that teenagers must live through the agony alone. Counseling for the teenagers along with their parents can help the teenager understand that no one is to blame. After all, teenage is a very fragile and crucial stage of life and divorce can make it even harder to get by.

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Truth Unveiled With Public Divorce Records

It may be a boring paper document to read on, but truly life saving if it is only used legally and properly. People have different histories in the past and it would be very unfortunate to fall into someone who messed up with his or her previous marriage. Searching for divorce records could actually eat-up much of your time and effort, but it's definitely a blessing to have them kept for future use.

If you have sensed that your partner has been hiding something, then it's about time to unlock the true past of that person before things become too late. Knowing the truth behind the breakup of a current partner could be quite offensive and may be too aggressive to the other person at times. Even though past is past it is still important to get straight facts to build a real romantic relationship.

Truth is, having serious and lengthy bond with someone entails trust and honesty, thus, the need to know all about the past of potential partner in life is a must. A great opportunity for this exploration is through searching for public divorce records. Details of his or her divorce will be specifically indicated in the papers as well as the reasons why a couple got separated.

What steps are needed to obtain divorce records? There are a lot of vital accounts recorded in the respective states today; therefore, standard procedures will have to be adhered as per guideline for each state. You actually have two options in this matter. For one you can go ahead to the county clerk's office where the divorce was actually granted and request for the document. Or you may visit directly to the state agency within the state where you have resided or where the divorce was processed.

However, for files that were not documented in the state level, you will need to keep in touch with the Clerk of the Superior Court from the particular county where the separation was officially declared.

What are the necessary requirements when applying for such records? For the application on divorce files to be processed, you need to supply some important data about the person you are scrutinizing. Upon sending the request, you are required to provide the necessary particulars such as the complete name of the husband and wife, date of the divorce, the place where the separation was obtained and your intention for getting the divorce accounts.

Not to mention, you also need to supply your own details. This includes your name and address, your proof of identity, signature and a copy of your photo ID. Nevertheless, such procedure could be quite lengthy and demands patience and lots of paperwork. On a final note, request rate must not go beyond $20.00 per copy, so it must be very reasonable a price.

An easier way to acquire public divorce records is through the online databases that are available in this information age. It is the Internet that completes the search very quickly with sufficient amount of data to give. It is a big challenge to find one on the web, but it's definitely worth it.

Things To Consider When Getting A Divorce

A divorce is a really difficult situation for anybody to deal with. There are a number of things that will have to be sorted out, and all of these decisions can have a big impact on your future. As a result you need to make the best decisions from the start.

Make Sure You Want To Proceed

The first decision that you're going to need to make is to definitely decide if you are prepared to pull the trigger and start the divorce process. While you are thinking about this decision, it's important to think about the issues you have in your marriage so you can look at each of the solutions which are available to you. You really shouldn't apply for a divorce until you are certain nothing else will work.

One of the popular approaches that individuals take advantage of to avoid heading to the divorce courts is to look into counselling. In the event that your issues with your partner are mostly connected with poor communication, this is probably an option you will want to consider using before you decide to file.

Many people have also had success in using some sort of trial separation. By agreeing to this short-term situation, it makes it possible for both spouses to reassess their situation so that they can think more clearly about exactly what they want to do.

The process of getting a divorce is final. Make sure you take every single step possible to see whether there are other ways you and your partner can remain together and both be completely happy.

Whether to Hire a Solicitor

Making a decision about whether you will be using a solicitor for your divorce case is most likely the next thing that you are going to have to do. Although you may have no intention of having a Solicitors Leeds office represent you when you file your divorce, you should at the very least consult with one. They may be able to let you know just how challenging it's going to be.

You might think that you could take care of the details of your divorce process by yourself, however, most people gradually discover that it's a far more challenging and complex process than they anticipated. When you employ a solicitor, you will know that everything is being taken care of in the way it should be.

The further your divorce process proceeds, the more it becomes an emotionally-charged issue. Quite often, whenever people get emotional, they begin making decisions based on their feelings rather than what's best for them in the long term. If you use a solicitor, you know they will be there to make certain your decisions are based upon your best interest.

Should You make use of the Collaborative Process?

The very first decision you need to make is whether to get divorced. The second is going to be if you should hire a solicitor or not. The next decision concerns whether to pursue a conventional divorce (which can take a long time and also costs quite a bit in solicitor fees) or to pursue a collaborative divorce that can help you save a lot of time, cash and stress.

Once you decide on a collaborative divorce process, it usually means that there are going to be numerous group meetings that involve each of the spouses and both solicitors. Everybody agrees in the beginning to work toward an arrangement which is fair for both parties. Therefore the court needn't be involved in the process.

If you feel that you and your husband or wife are determined to conclude your relationship amicably, and you're both genuinely serious about getting to a reasonable agreement, this kind of process might be something you should look into.

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5 Steps to Getting Into the Groove and Getting Things Done

My husband laughs at me a lot because he thinks I'm just not hip. The funny thing is I agree with him. I often use slang that is WAY out of date and when I try to use more current slang it just sounds funny coming out of my mouth.

He's not alone in laughing at me either. I remember the first time I used the term "diss". I used it correctly when talking to some colleagues at work and one of them actually stopped the conversation and asked me what I had said. It was obvious he couldn't believe I had just used some current slang (well, it was current way back then) and he was trying VERY hard to keep a straight face as I repeated myself.

All of this is to let you know that if you're laughing at the title to this article, it's OK! And if you don't know exactly what I mean, that's OK too because I'm getting ready to explain it to you.

Records, vinyl, LPs had grooves in them. The grooves are in the form of a tight spiral. To play a record, you place the needle at the end of the record player's arm into the groove at the outer edge of the record. While the turn table rotates, the needle travels along the groove and eventually comes to the inner edge. There's no other path for the needle to take (unless the record has a scratch or something interrupts either the path or arm).

Getting into the groove means getting into the flow of getting things done. One step or task follows another almost effortlessly just like the needle follows the groove of a record to play one song after another.

Wouldn't it be great if we could go through our days getting exactly what we want to get done done? I'm going to share with you the 5 steps I use to focus on accomplishing my most important tasks every day.

Be Specific. Most people set about doing tasks with only a vague idea of what they want to do. But if you want to get things done, you need to be VERY specific about (a) what it is that you want to get done and (b) what you need to have available to get it done. Being specific takes the guess-work out. It's like laying down the groove on the record. You decide what it is that you want and then you lay out the path/groove that will get you there. It's OK if you don't know exactly every step along the path to reach your end goal, but you have to at least know what it is you need to do today to get your groove ready.

Set a realistic timeline. When you play a record, you can set the speed at which the turn table rotates. Different records require different speeds of rotation so that the recording sounds the way the artist recorded it. If you play a 45 rpm (rotations per minute) record at 78 rpm, it sounds funny because it's so rushed - kind of like everyone inhaled a bunch of helium and decided to talk really, really fast. If you play a 45 rpm at 33 rpm, it sounds funny because it's so slow. However when you play a 45 rpm at 45 rpm, it sounds just right. (Is this reminding you of the story of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears, too?)

So when you set a timeline for what you want to get accomplished, be realistic. You don't want to be running around rushing to get something done because that's an invitation for stressing out. You don't want to be too generous with your timeline because that's an invitation to put off the tasks you want to get done and set yourself up for procrastinating. We all know what happens when we procrastinate, you just wind up rushing to meet the deadline anyway.

Schedule Uninterrupted Work Time. The needle of a record player follows the groove of the record unless either the groove is scratched or else the record-player's arm in disturbed. Getting your work done is very similar. You need to schedule uninterrupted work time and make sure you've got everything you need to be productive right where you need it. Every time you are interrupted by someone or something else, you're jumping out of your groove and not getting things done. If what you want to get accomplished is important enough to get done, it's important enough to schedule time for and not check email or visit with friends on Facebook.

Evaluate Your Results. Albums are records with multiple songs on the. Think of your tasks that you want to get done as individual songs that make up a larger goal you're working to accomplish. At the end of each song/task, pause and evaluate how you're doing. Are you pleased with your results or do you need to adjust something? Is the pace you have set for yourself realistic? Do you need to schedule more or less time to accomplish the next task? Do you need to ask for help to get things done? Do you still want to reach for this goal or complete this project?

Celebrate. When you've done what you wanted to get done, take a deep breath and enjoy what you've accomplished! Just like at the end of a performance, the audience will erupt in applause and cheers. You've just finished a task or goal or project and you definitely need to take some time to acknowledge all that you've done before heading off to the next task. This celebration is critical for you having the energy to set up your next groove and getting the next thing done.

One of the best things about these 5 steps is that you can use them for any size project, task or goal. If you've got a big project or goal, just break it down into smaller and smaller tasks until you can accomplish the task in a day, then apply the 5 steps to each and you'll have established your groove for getting things done.

You Functional Divorce Assignment:

What is your most important task for today? Take a minute or two and decide the most important thing you need to get done today.

Work through the 5 steps. Be sure not to skip any steps along the way! If you do, you'll be less efficient and won't really b in the groove. Groovy, right?

Make Sure You Get a Fair Community Property Award, Child Support, and Spousal Support in a Divorce

Unfortunately, in this day and age the word money is more synonymous with marriage than the, seemingly, once more important synonyms such as allegiance or life partner. In addition, the termination of marriage is at an all time high. Currently, 75% of marriages end in divorce.

With that being said, although in recent years marriage rates have declined, there is no sign of the institution of marriage ending anytime soon. Therefore, every spouse should be an active financial participant in his/her marriage, both before the nuptials and, throughout the marriage. This is especially true if the other spouse is the breadwinner, or what is known as the "managing spouse."

Having knowledge of the marriage finances is not only important during the marriage, but imperative in the event of a divorce. Many non-earning spouses become "lazy" during the marriage and do not inquire into the marriage finances-instead they rely on their spouse's promises that they "will be taken care of." This is very poor advice and gives the spouse a false sense of security.

What many people do not understand is that, despite the fact that your husband or wife is the working spouse and handler of investments, any and all money earned during the marriage is a part of the community (meaning owned jointly by the spouses) in which each spouse has a one-half interest.

Spouses concealing money from each other is, not only unethical and illegal but, one of the most common occurrences in a marriage. The following are five of the most common signs that your spouse may be hiding money from you, and what you can do to ensure that you receive your proper share of the community estate, in the event of a divorce:

1.Your spouse does not answer, or is candid in answering, your questions regarding the family finances.

Spouses owe each other, what is known as, a "fiduciary duty." This duty, in essence, obligates the spouse in control of the finances to allow the other spouse access to all finances related to the community. In addition all finances related to any property acquired by a spouse before the marriage which may affect the community, must be made accessible. This includes access to all financial books related to: any businesses owned by either spouse or in which either spouse has an interest, investments, stocks, bonds, checking accounts, savings accounts, trading accounts, etc.

Therefore, your spouse is legally obligated to answer any questions you may have regarding the family finances and provide you with access to all information related to the family finances during the marriage.

If your spouse refuses to answer questions regarding the family finances, this should raise a red flag, and is usually a sign that he/she is hiding something from you. Remember, even though your spouse may be the "working" or "earning" spouse, half of this earned money is yours and you have a right to know where it is, how much there is and how it is being handled, just as if you were receiving a paycheck yourself.
Also, having an interest in the family financial situation tends to give the non-earning spouse a sense of involvement and purpose in the family planning and may even result in the providing of constructive guidance and assistance to the managing spouse.

2.Your spouse keeps financial accounts in his/her name.

This is a common method employed when spouses intend to keep their earnings separate. There is a common misconception among married people that by keeping financial accounts in their name, alone, that it will separate the assets of these accounts from their spouse.

This is not true. Without a specific written agreement signed by both parties to the contrary, all earnings, regardless of what account they may be held, are community funds, and thus equally shared by the parties. Without a written, signed, agreement by both parties, it does not matter that money earned during the marriage is deposited into an account in one spouse's name - this money is still considered community property.

However, in the event of an impending divorce, many spouses will attempt to withdraw money from accounts and hide these funds in an attempt to avoid splitting the funds with their spouse. This is why it is imperative that spouses play an active role in the finances of the marriage so that they will have an idea of where money may be located, in the event of divorce.

3.Your spouse does not involve you in preparing annual tax returns.

Preparation of tax returns is the one time of year where every person is legally obligated to report all income to the IRS. This is also a time when business interests and financial accounts will be divulged and analyzed. In essence, preparation of an individual's, and business's, tax returns is the best way to get a "snapshot" of the financial situation of an individual and/or business.

Preparation of tax returns is also a time when people may misrepresent their income. This is why it is important to be involved in the preparation of the tax returns. The preparation period is when all financial information is divulged and discussed (usually with an accountant).

In the event of a divorce, tax returns are a presumptively correct indicator of income for purposes of spousal and child support, and the burden will be on you to prove otherwise should your spouse be underreporting his/her income to the IRS.
There is no legitimate reason for your spouse to not involve you in the tax return preparation; and if he/she refuses to involve you, this is almost a sure sign he/she is hiding something.

4.Your spouse, despite your showing of interest, does not involve you in the nature of his/her businesses.

Another common misconceptions among married couples is that if your spouse started his/her business before the marriage and he/she was the only reason for the business earning money during the marriage, that any money earned from the business is his/her separate money.

This misconception is pervasive among non-earning spouses. Not only is this not true, a successful business is often the greatest source of community assets. First of all, regardless of when a business was started, all earnings by either spouse during the marriage is community property and, therefore, either spouse owns such property jointly, and is entitled to half of its value upon divorce. Furthermore, in the case of businesses started by either spouse before the marriage, where the business increased in value during the marriage, that increase in value becomes part of the community (subject to certain, fact specific, rules).

Therefore, it is prudent that every spouse keep an active interest in any family business.

Anyone who denies their spouse an active interest in the family business is generally hiding financial aspects of the business that they want to keep a secret. Furthermore, in the event of a divorce it will be up to you, or your lawyer (who will be charging you an hourly rate), to analyze and value your spouse's business; this can be a very time-consuming, costly, endeavor which can be greatly reduced through proper due diligence during the marriage.

5.Your spouse routinely uses cash for purchases.

Dealing with cash is by far the number one way people hide their income; not only from the IRS, but from spouses, creditors, lien-holders and anyone else who may have an interest in their assets. Cash flow is extremely difficult to trace and very easy to conceal. Furthermore, in this day and age with credit cards, debit cards, ATM cards, interest bearing savings and investment accounts, and free checking accounts, there is really very few legitimate reasons to be using cash for anything other than routine, inexpensive, purchases.

Although, you may not know exactly where your spouse keeps all of the family money, as long as you have a good idea of how money is being spent, and where it is being kept, you will play an integral role in the division of the marital property, determination of child support and spousal support, and your spouse's contribution to your attorney fees.

Therefore, as you can see, every spouse, regardless of the status of their marriage, owes it to the well-being of themselves, their children and their future to be thoroughly involved in the finances of the marriage, from the beginning.

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Some Tips to Keep in Mind Before Filing for a Divorce

You and your life partner of several years have gone through some rough patches in your time spent together, and you've always managed to overcome those. However, times have changed and neither one of you can tolerate whatever struggles you're both dealing with. You wish to end the relationship, and move on from each other.

A failed marriage is something stressful to deal with, and can be rather daunting on one's emotional welfare. However, you both agree it is for the best, and you would want to make things as easy for one another as possible. If you're looking to make a rather serious decision on ending the marriage, below are a couple of tips to keep in mind before doing so.

- Always make sure that you have a lawyer to back you up. Considering that you and your former spouse have come to agreement on the settlement and how the both of you are going to divide the assets between each other, there is still a need for everything to be formalized and undergo a legal process. Therefore, it's highly essential that you both get lawyers and consult them with regard to your cases.

- Always make sure that you verify with whom you'll be needing to file the petition for legal separation, and whether it's to be in the circuit or superior court of your area. This is something that can easily be determined through getting in touch with your local courthouse and simply verifying the process by asking them. There are few states and towns which will require you to connect with the family court, while there are others as well wherein the clerks will provide you all the information you will need.

- Determine if the settlement will be under irreconcilable differences, also known as a no-fault proceeding. This simply means that no one is at fault and you've both agreed to ending the marriage as calmly as can be. However, if one is to be blamed for the end of the partnership, then it has to be filed under the "grounds" category.

- You should also decide which one of you will be responsible for filing the petition. It may not matter at all if this was a no-fault case, however someone needs to file the paperwork.

- If you have children, make sure that you file paperwork which states temporary custody of the child. You simply want to make sure that the divorce will have no ill effects on your children.

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Divorce Can Be a Rocky Road

The process of divorce is a rocky road, it begins long before stipulations and agreements are signed.

The turmoil of "should I stay or should I go?" rings loud in your head, keeping you up most nights. If there are children to tend to and plan for, the dissolution of a marriage is all the more agonizing. These feelings of confusion, shame, disappointment, self-doubt, and the list goes on, are all normal. As you imagine how your life is going to play out at this point try to give yourself space to mourn. The end of a marriage has the similarities of a death. Sometimes what makes the divorce more difficult is that it may never have closure, which can be more painful and tougher to recover from. If you have children you will always remain in some kind relationship so therefore in some regards it's never quite over.

However, rather than wish your soon to be ex to magically disappear, imagine instead that you have the courage to stand up to the fact that this relationship went sour, it came to a bitter end with all the despair that goes along with it. Now.imagine instead that you both believe there is a life waiting for you after the break up. If managed with care, compassion, and patience the members of your family can move through this adversity and develop resiliency and expand into stronger deeper individuals.

About a year ago I had a woman with two children 14 and 11 who wanted to leave her husband, she tried to keep the marriage together but after years of disappointment, frustration and disrespect to both of them, trying not to show contempt and anger in front of the children, living a lie, she decided she needed to move her sons and herself closer to her family, her mother and siblings. One of the dilemmas was to be found out in other words, since she had been living out of state away from all of who knew her she was able to keep up a false front from the rest of the family who only saw what she wanted them to see which was an intact happy family right down to the Christmas and soccer photos where everyone is smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. When it finally came out as she could not keep the lie anymore she confessed to her sister she had been living in a hell. The enormous courage it took for her to reveal what really has been going on was astounding, but not without the multitude of tears flooding and expressions of shame, hopelessness, feelings of guilt and self loathing.

We worked through her separation, helping her regain her self-esteem, and self-determination. She became a single parent for a while, hold it all together until her ex-spouse realized that he was still needed as a parent and buried the hatchet. He then became more involved, no longer hesitant in fear they would argue and it would escalate. The emotion roller coaster slows down after time and acceptance.

It took months and work to forgive, reconstruct and develop a new perspective, but in a year's time this family has made remarkable progress as well as learned what strengths they have and didn't know they had. They are stronger, wonderful people today. Each of them has brought healing to the others and remained compassionate and loving amidst living in separate homes. When I met with my client recently, I asked how she was doing in regards to her social life. She stated that she has dated briefly and although she hasn't thought about anyone seriously, she does feel excited and hopeful about the possibilities of meeting someone and being happy again in a relationship, She also said that she has learned a great deal during our sessions and knows more about what she wants in a relationship and realized where she missed the boat in her last relationship with her husband. These misses, she says will not be repeated but she is grateful for the wisdom they brought her. It has been a remarkable journey for all of them, and continues to be.

How to Determine If Your Divorce Was a Good Decision

While you're divorcing, a lot of men and women reflect on their decision and start to second guess themselves. Maybe they have to respond to comments from well-meaning family and friends. Are any of your friends or relatives posing questions second guessing your firm decision to divorce your spouse?

Just because you may have loving and caring feelings for your spouse that is actually a good thing. Before you get back into the swing of dating, getting to where you feel neutral and caring about your ex-spouse is actually one of the emotional goals to strive for.

If the two of you have children together then the more the two of you can part and go your separate ways with feelings of caring about the other, the better it will be going forward and for your children. The two of you will be sharing the significant events of your children's lives from prom to college graduation to weddings of their own. Being gracious, caring, and social towards each other over the years will just make all of that much easier for everyone all around.

Do You Still Have Feelings of Love for Your Spouse?

Just because you might still have feeling of love for your husband or wife does not immediately mean that the two of you should remain married. If you've been married now for more than a year or two, surely you probably already know that just because you love someone is not a sufficient reason to marry them.

Are You Still Attracted to Your Spouse in the Bedroom?

If you are still intimately attracted to your spouse that also is an insufficient reason to remain married. A number of the cute television shows of divorced couples often feature an awkward episode where the couple invariably goes to bed together one more time. The chemistry connection can still be strong, but that is not enough of a reason to remain married. Too many married couples know that just because you have bedroom chemistry is not enough of a reason to get married to begin with.

Are Your Life Path's Aligned?

In your 20s when plenty of modern singles tie the knot and get married, their life and career paths are in their infancy. However, by the time you are in your 30s, and certainly in your 40s, the shape of your life and your career are much better developed. In all likelihood, you have developed a certain specialization in your career by the time you over forty years old. You might even have created and nurtured strong ties to a certain geographic region. Your ex-spouse and you may want to live in different areas of the country now and your work may have grown in entirely different directions from each other. When that is the case, breath an exhale of relief and release them with good wishes. You and your ex-husband or wife may be wonderful people whose lives no longer belong together.

After you reflect on these questions and determine your own answer, then you can know for certain whether or not you really made the right decision for you to divorce. Once you know with certainty, then move forward in your life with confidence in the newly divorced version of you!

How to Offer Divorce to a Close Friend

What do you do when a close friend is filing for divorce or thinking about it seriously? It can be challenging to be supportive yet objective in your intentions. The task involves much more than offering a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

Here are a few useful tips:

1. Offer your support and be there for him or her. Back it up with action. Be ready to receive calls at odd times when she needs your moral or emotional support.

2. Avoid getting into spouse bashing. If he or she wishes to express their frustration, let them. But while offering your attention, avoid indulging in maligning the absent spouse. Offering support does not automatically imply that you have to criticize the spouse.

3. Be a source of positive and calm energy. This can be challenging as many (though not all)divorces tend to be acrimonious. Encourage calm and peaceful solutions. Avoid making suggestions that trigger insecurity and suspicion.

4. A stressed and distracted person is likely to have many chores undone. Offer help in completing them. These could include jobs like paying bills or picking children from school.

5. Offer assistance in calculating and estimating expected monthly expenses for alimony or court settlements. Organizing documents and bills takes time and concentration which the friend may not have at hand at that time.

6. Encourage her to share the children with the father. Many times, women are often tempted to inflict 'punishment' on their spouses by threatening to cut off access to children. Gently explain that children need both parents in the post divorce phase.

7. Introduce the friend to divorce support groups in her area. It is helpful and therapeutic to meet other people who have undergone the same experience. Meditation classes and yoga groups also offer effective internal healing techniques.

8. Encourage him or her to socialize with close friends. Watching a movie or laughing with a group of supportive friends will help her get over the stress faster.

9. If you know both spouses well, avoid getting in the middle of the fray. Listen but avoid participation in personal discussions involving the other spouse.

It is not easy being a good friend while offering objective guidance and support to a close friend in the middle of a divorce. Not all divorces are acrimonious. Regulate your reaction according to what you see. If your friend needs some personal space to herself, be sensitive enough to recognize that need.

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Quality Communication With Your Children Will Ensure a Better Divorce Outcome!

During and after divorce your children may be hyper-sensitive about many things. What may have formerly been routine conversations, questions or activities can now be touchy subjects fraught with anxiety, resentment or anger. This is understandable when you consider that the stability of the world they knew has been dramatically altered. Minor insecurities can easily grow into major problems. Children may regress in their behaviors and skills, become more clinging - or more aloof - depending on their adaptability and perspective about the divorce.

This is a time to master the art of good parent/child communication so you can reinforce or rebuild trust, security and confidence that things will be okay again - despite the changes inflicted by your divorce.

Here are some solid tips for more effective communication with your children. Master them today and they will work on your behalf for years and years ahead.

• Keep your conversations private - at times when others are not around. This assures a more relaxed connection, more intimacy and safety. Your child is more likely to open up and confide their real feelings when they know they have your full attention. That means close the computer, put down the phone, turn off the TV and let your child know you are interested in what they are feeling and saying.

• Listen carefully to get the gist of what they are saying, even if you don't like the message. Don't interrupt or correct them as they speak. You'll have your turn, but if they don't feel "heard" you are likely not going to have another chance at real communication. Here's where "active listening" skills are a real plus: paraphrase back what you think you've heard, look directly at them, and nod your head to show you're listening. Then ask if you got the message right after you've repeated it.

• Focus more on what happened rather than "why." Allow the entire story to be told or all their feelings to be shared without jumping to judgment. You can still parent, explain your values, and support your decisions while not minimizing your child's right to their own "take" on things. Also remind your child that they are loved and accepted, despite what they think or have done. You can reject the behavior without rejecting the child.

• Avoid the lectures, the smug "I told you so's," the moralizing put-downs or other forms of embarrassing your children, especially if others are around. Instead offer constructive ways to remedy the situation when possible. Brainstorm together. Remind your child that not all challenges can be neatly resolved or agreed upon by all parties. This can be a valuable life-lesson for them shared with empathy, compassion and insight.

While it's often easier to provide negative feedback, try to end your communication in a positive tone. This will encourage additional conversations and their willingness to confide in you again when things are not going well. Find something you can praise in their behavior or their communication so they feel valued and significant. Remember, divorce imposes changes within the family that your children never asked for. With these thoughts in mind you'll deepen your relationship with your children at a time when they need it most!

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What Are Effects of Divorce on Kids?

If there's one thing in life that a parent would never want their children to witness, it would be him/her fighting with the spouse. It's an ugly situation which could have a detrimental impact on how the child sees life. What's even worse is when both parents could no longer tolerate each other to a point where divorce is the only option. This is definitely one of the ugliest sides of life, and emotional suffering could end up playing a huge role as our children grow up to be mature adults.

It is important that parents should think about the consequences of their actions in the lives of their children, and divorcing each other is certainly one of those actions. The emotional scars will be there and children's development can certainly be affected negatively. Below are some of the effects of such a situation on the child:

- If such a thing occurs, there's a likelihood that the child will be unable to express him or herself emotionally, especially when a child matures into an adult and gets involved in a relationship. There would be some withdrawal of emotions, and the possibility of experiencing long bouts of depression would be strong. Many kids these days suffer from emotional outbursts, bullying or even suicide since they cannot fully express their emotions, especially once they've processed in their minds what has occurred.

- Some children would often feel responsible for the separation of their parents. They often question what could have been done differently and analyze their own actions just so they could their parents from separating from each other. This may be irrational but it also leads to the children actually striving to do all that's possible to keep their parents together. It often results in feeling rejected and not feeling loved at all.

- There would be some intense feelings of jealousy if the child stays with a parent who decides to remarry and have another family of their own. Kids would feel more attention is given to their other family.

- There would also be some blame placed on one parent for deciding to leave. This sort of one-sided loyalty would keep them from actually seeing the real reason why both parents decided to go through a divorce, thus preventing any chance of reconciliation. Any possibility of feeling love and care from the other parent would be hard to achieve.

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Dealing With Divorce or Separation

It seems like every few weeks you hear of another couple that gets divorced or separated. In fact, it's very rare to find anyone under forty-five that isn't in a second or third marriage. And it's even rarer to find anyone under fifty that has been with the same person for more than twenty years. The experts have analyzed this in depth and have come up with dozens of causes that go from stress to anhedonia.

The sad truth is that one could spend all day trying to figure out what's going on, who's to blame, and who should fix it. There would be many different versions and multiple opinions. But the fact still remains that break-ups are painful.

Although each case is different and should be respected as such, I have found that in general, women who are going through divorce or separation can be classified into three big groups:

a. My life ended

b. Thank God he's gone

c. There's many more fish in the pond

In this article, we'll focus on the first group; the women who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

First of all, when a couple decides to unite their lives, divorce should not even be an option. The moment you start seeing it as a possibility, it can easily become a reality. Part of the problem is that traditionally, people enter the marriage relationship with high expectations in regards to what the other person needs to do to make the relationship work. That right there is a huge mistake. You cannot ever account for another person's behavior or performance. You can't change anyone but yourself. Therefore your expectations upon entering marriage can only be about your own behavior and performance.

That being said, what do you do when your spouse wants to end the relationship and you want to keep it? You let him go. I know it sounds contradictory because we have been told to fight for love, and never let go, etc. But honestly, when a man has made up his mind to leave you, there's very little you can do to hold him back. What I've found is that the more you struggle to hold on to him, the more determined he becomes to move on. Now, a word of caution: you should let him know that you want to save the relationship. I'm not suggesting that you shrug and say "whatever" when he tells you he's leaving.

So he's gone. What now? Here are a few suggestions:

· Honestly evaluate your role in the break-up. It's very easy to play the blame game and convince yourself that it was all his fault. Be honest with yourself and own up to the parts you're responsible for.

· Talk to a counselor. Although you might think it's enough to talk to your sister friends, this could end up doing more harm than good. Remember that these women will most likely take sides and will make some harsh and probably disrespectful pronouncements about your former spouse. Regardless of what you think about him, never allow that. On the other hand, a counselor will help you work through the pain without judgment.

· Watch your tongue. When your friends notice what's going on, they will inevitably want to know more. By constantly repeating the negative details of your story you'll end up hurting yourself deeper, not to mention that you will be feeding the gossipers.

· Take up a hobby. You might be tempted to simply sit around feeling sorry for yourself. I suggest that you find something interesting to do with your time. Scrapbooking, dance lessons, book club, photography classes, cooking classes, or scuba diving are just a few examples of hobbies that will take your mind off yourself.

· Give back. A woman I know dealt with her loss by volunteering at an orphanage. By spending time taking care of these children, she eventually realized that she had a whole lot to live for. Find a soup kitchen, shelter, or other care-giving facility and invest your time in the underprivileged.

· Change something. A lot of women find that it helps to get some type of makeover after a divorce. You don't need to go the whole way; a small change in your hair style or hair color can do a lot to help you fell better about yourself.

· Be nice. You might still need to have contact with your former spouse for many different reasons. Don't be rude and disrespectful. You might think he deserves it, but you will only be hurting yourself and giving him reasons to believe he made the right choice by leaving you.

· Forgive. Notice I didn't say forget. It's physically impossible for the human brain to forget, however, painful memories can get stored in a place where they no longer control you. What you've heard is absolutely true: when you hold on to resentment it's like you're drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.

· Don't involve the children. A lot of people think it's acceptable to bad-mouth their former spouse to their mutual kids. That is not only childish but also incredibly selfish. No matter what he did to you, that man is their father. And if you think he's stupid, you're not that smart either because you not only married him, but had kids with him.

· Become a better you. Read good books, hang out with positive people, listen to songs with uplifting lyrics, and plant a garden. Difficulties always bring along opportunities for growth, take advantage of them.

Abba's song "Knowing Me, Knowing You" comes to mind as I write, specifically the line that says "breaking up is never easy, I know, but I have to go..." Be aware that it might hurt more and for longer than you expected, but time heals all wounds, and in the end everything's gonna be alright.

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What I Wish I Could Have Told Pilar and Deion

Pilar and Deion made a big mistake. Yeah, I know that's an obvious statement and you're probably of the opinion that they've made several big mistakes since they decided to divorce. But the mistake I'm talking about probably isn't all that obvious. In fact, many people probably thought it was a good idea because they have kids.

The big mistake they made, that could have prevented many of the problems they've had and forced the networks to report on some other bits of news, is that they decided to continue living in the same house after deciding to divorce.

Granted it would seem that a 29,000 sq foot home would provide plenty of separation for the couple. It didn't. That's because they hadn't counted on divorce anger.

The anger that you can feel during divorce can probably more accurately be called rage. It can cause you to lash out in ways you never would have thought you were capable.

While we're married, we all pick our battles. There are some things that are worth talking about and working out and there are some things that we just choose not to deal with. By not dealing with it we sweep it under the rug.

The thing is, your spouse has been doing the same thing. They've been picking their battles too. They've also swept stuff under the rug.

When you decide to start the divorce process, something switches inside. What switches is that we start experiencing all kinds of emotions. We might progress from denial, to anger, to hope and back again to denial, to anger, to more anger and then maybe some hope. Every time we hit anger, there's a part of us that doesn't feel the need to hold back any longer. After all, we're getting divorced, right? So why not tell them all the stuff we've put up with for YEARS! Heck, we deserve to have our way! Well, this is exactly how things can get out of hand in a heartbeat. Because once one of you starts spewing forth all the stuff that's been swept under the rug, the other will most likely return the favor and it just gets uglier from there.

The root cause of this divorce anger or rage is that each emotion has different hormones associated with it. When our world is significantly changing through the divorce process our emotions can change very rapidly. The rapid changes mean that the hormones are in our systems all at once - which serves up a very potent cocktail for our brains. Our brains aren't used to having this potent hormonal cocktail and we can act, think, and behave in ways we never would have believed before.

So getting back to Pilar and Deion, choosing to live in the same house while beginning the divorce process means that the "reason" for their anger is always near. When their anger strikes, it's very, very easy to race from anger to rage and then the most unbelievable behavior occurs, the public accusations fly and the press makes sure we know all about it.

What do I wish I could have told Pilar and Deion? Once you start your divorce process, please don't try to live in the same home. You and your kids will be much, much happier if you both start to create your independent lives.

What do I want to make sure you learn, from their example? Once you and your spouse have made the decision to divorce, remember that it will be stressful and that it's in your best interest to start creating your independent life with as much respect for each other as possible.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Remember that you're both going through a stressful transition. This is where compassion for everyone involved can go a long way. Being compassionate for yourself, will allow you to take the time and find the resources you need to successfully complete your divorce process. Being compassionate for your former spouse will allow you to negotiate more easily and potentially allow your children to feel free to be themselves instead of being pressure to take sides.

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How to Deal With Parents Getting a Divorce Later in Life

When a child lives their entire life with their parents appearing happily married, it can be a harsh reality to learn the two people you thought would always be together are now getting a divorce. I'm going to tell you a few things you might be able to expect so you can be prepared and know how to deal with parents getting a divorce later in life.

Common Problems

Most divorces that occur later in life don't happen in a pretty way, here are the common problems to expect. There is often a large amount of built up frustration between your two parents and that can translate into a lot of fighting.

Anger and frustration between the two can be one of the most common problems dividing the former couple. Expecting this can help you determine how to deal with parents who are getting a divorce, and who might not be prepared for it either.

Another one of the common problems that occur after a late life divorce is the loss of discipline. It is a very common mistake for both the parents to start spending their cash on the things they feel the other has been holding them back from getting.

That's where the Corvette or the $3,000 mink coats or handbags come in. when learning how to deal with parents getting a divorce means being prepared to try your best to keep them from spending frivolously at a time when they should be saving.

Making Sense of It All

To help yourself figure out how to deal with parents getting a divorce later in life you're going to need to find a way of making sense of the break up in your own mind. After all, it can be a bit of a shock as I mentioned before. The best way to make sense of their break up is to be blunt and forward with the topic, just ask them.

If you feel uncomfortable with discussing any topics, such as sex, tell them before they start to explain! It may help in making sense of it all, but it may very well be a sexual problem. If this is the case all you may need is the briefest of vague explanations.

Maintaining Relationships Separately

One of the best ways to learn about all the small details of knowing how to deal with parents getting a divorce is to start maintaining relationships with them separately. By doing this you won't be trying to force any uncomfortable meetings that can potentially ruin every event and holiday they both attend.

By scheduling the holidays to be split between the two you'll have no problem maintaining relationships with each parent just as well as they were before. It would be a good idea, for example, to have

Christmas Eve at moms and Christmas at dad's, or vice versa

By realizing the common problems when knowing how to deal with parents getting a divorce later in life you can be more prepared and more willing to make things the best they can be between all the members of the family.

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How to Handle Divorce

Divorce isn't an easy thing for anyone. How do you handle divorce? It's a good question. I'll give you some tips on how to handle divorce.

Have The Two Of You Made Any Attempts To Save Your Marriage?

This is important and I'll tell you why. You and your spouse stood before witnesses and made vows to spend the rest of your lives together as husband and wife. In the name of marriage itself, the two of you have a responsibility to try save the marriage. You must try everything the two of you can think of to save the marriage before giving up. After all the best way to handle divorce is to avoid it!

Get Into Marriage Counselling

Both of you need to sit down with a professional who doesn't have any personal ties with either one of you. Fully participate too in any exercises the counsellor wants the two of you to do. Some of them may seem stupid but there is a reason for them and you'll see that reason as time with the counsellor goes on. In the process, you'll both learn a lot about your marriage, and yourselves and that's always good. And if after all of this work, the marriage can't be saved, at least you'll both know that you did everything possible to save it before you gave up.

Start Doing For YOU.

You've spend however many years doing for you AND your spouse. It's time to do some things for you without regard to your spouse. Ladies, have you wanted a short hair cut for the last few years but never got it because your husband liked your hair long? Go out and get that haircut! Guys have you always wanted to grow a beard but your wife always liked your face clean shaven? Stop shaving and grow a beard. You're not doing this to anger your former spouse. Here's why you're doing it. You never did those things because doing them would have made your spouse unhappy. You're divorcing or divorced, you're not worried what your soon to be ex or ex thinks about your hair or your beard.

If There Are Kids Involved

This is a very difficult time for your children too. They are no doubt having some trouble learning to handle divorce. I have a suggestion that will help you and your children. Immerse yourself in your children's lives. Especially if they're small and young. Take them to the playground, take them to the movies, take them sleigh riding.

Do NOT Talk Trash about Your Kid's Mom or Dad In Front Of The Kids

Even if your ex deserves it, refrain from talking trash about mum or dad in front of the children. Your kids don't want to hear it and it may cause your kids to resent you or your spouse. Don't inquire of your kids about your ex's personal life. It puts the children in an uncomfortable position.

Divorce has you going through a lot of negative feelings: Anger, Jealousy, and Sadness just to name a few. It's not an easy time and it's not meant to be but it is survivable. If you do it right, you can maintain a civil and non romantic relationship with your ex and learn a lot about yourself in the process. Good luck to you.

As divorce rates soar it is becoming increasingly important to be able to handle divorce in a sensible and pragmatic way in order to minimise the pain and disruption it may cause

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Preserve Your Marriage: Unfaithfulness Shouldn't Result to Divorce

There are many things that can break up a marriage; however unfaithfulness is arguably the biggest cause. Extramarital affairs go against everything that marriage stands for. When two individuals come together in marriage, they actually become one and they are supposed to spend the rest of their lives together. So when that bond is broken it becomes very difficult to overcome the feelings of despair that results.

Infidelity in marriage is not only about one partner starting a physical relationship with someone outside of the union. There is also an emotional dimension to it, when any of the marriage partners starts to share his or her life with an individual outside the union.

This phenomenon referred to as emotional infidelity, has become a big threat to the marriage bond in the previous few decades. There are several reasons for this but the main reason is the workplace which is becoming more and more mixed.

Apart from that, people now have more crafty ways to communicate with one another. It is now a lot easier for people to connect with each other via new technologies like texting, instant messaging and electronic mail. Even though these things do not cause emotional infidelity, they are a contributory factor.

Also, it has become very easy for marriage partners to be physically unfaithful to each other. These days married couples do not spend as much time together as they used to in the past. Many spend most of their time at the work place, which provides them with a very helpful justification once they decide to cheat on their partners. What you should realize is that you can choose to be faithful or unfaithful to your spouse.

However you need to keep in mind that these things are not reasons, they are only excuses and opportunities. Excuses will never solve the problems in any marriage. However one is not saying that unfaithfulness in marriage cannot be overcome. There is no doubt that unfaithfulness is a big challenge, but it is one that can be surmounted.

To deal with the problem, you need to first determine what has gone wrong with your union. Something must have caused your partner to be unfaithful to you. There is a crack in the relationship you have with your partner and it has to be mended so as to overcome the infidelity.

Your spouse has not been faithful to you, but there is no need to blame him or her. You should also not blame yourself, but you have to get past that, because the emotional healing you and your partner needs will only be delayed if you keep pointing accusing fingers.

After determining what made your partner to be unfaithful to you, the next thing you have to do is rebuild trust. Unfaithfulness destroys trust and it will probably take several months if not years to rebuild that trust. The two of you have to work hard to mend what has been shattered.

You can however preserve your marriage, if you follow the steps presented in this article. Infidelity is a very bad thing, but there is no relationship that cannot be mended. All that is required is willingness to find the needed counsel and assistance to mend your relationship.

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New York Laws Make Getting a Divorce a Cumbersome Proposition

New methods of processing divorce cases in New York are needed since getting a divorce there can be a much more difficult and costly measure. It's been six years now since there were recommendations for streamlining procedures and lessening the amount of time each case takes in court, but so far nothing has happened. Cases often have to wait as much as a year to even get a date in court, and once there issues often continue to arise that take longer and longer to resolve. Cuts in court budgets are exacerbating the already clumsy situation. The system is being over-taxed, and people and financial resources are suffering the effects.

When discussing the court budget for the 2012 - 2013 year, the Chief Administrative Judge offered to do what he could to reduce the delays and backlogs that were building up in the state. However, there is little the courts can do. Attorneys have the power to stretch out their cases for their own financial gains, and they aren't required to agree to any settlement. Although updated guidelines regarding child and spousal support and no-fault divorce were implemented in 2006 and have helped the situation some, budget constraints have delayed any further changes.

During 2011-12, state court budgets were slashed $170 million. Cuts included staff reductions through retirements and layoffs which has resulted in fewer court workers and decreased services. Litigants find little help when dealing with courthouse workers, have fewer opportunities to represent themselves in order to eliminate attorney fees, and fewer law librarians. The operating hours for the courts were shortened meaning that time to try cases and hold hearings has diminished causing larger backlogs and postponements which raises the legal fees clients are having to pay. Shortened hours also means that a case can drag on for more days forcing the litigants to miss more work.

Divorce costs were reaching proportions that many people with only modest incomes could afford, so $25 million of the state's 2012-13 budget was set aside to help them. Efforts are also being made for more pro bono assistance to be offered to the poor. Unfortunately, while these measures may help individuals, they add to the burden placed on the courts and the broken divorce system.

Although collaborative divorce programs are available, it involves both parties being reasonable and compromising, a situation which isn't available in many cases. It only takes one person to make proposed settlements disintegrate making the process stretch out for months. Since divorces aren't all done in one session, it means setting numerous court dates which can be weeks apart.

Reasons for Couples Filing for Divorce

There's nothing more frustrating than to end up on the receiving end of divorce papers. Many couples these days are essentially undergoing all sorts of struggles in their lives. Some may be able to fight through them all, while others simply cannot deal with the pressures and difficulties, leading to an inevitable breakdown in what they thought would be a lasting partnership. There are indeed a number of reasons why people file for legal separation in court, yet it's actually a lot more complicated than you might think. Below are some of the most common reasons why couples these days are filing for separation from each other:

Financial burdens - This is certainly something which has gotten more prevalent, especially with how the global economy has affected our individual financial stability. A lot of couples can simply work things out with these, but not many have strong resolve. It's always hard to deal with money concerns, causing copious amounts of stress, which in turn can be highly disastrous for any kind of relationship. This could seriously lead to some resentment with each other, especially one of them is being constantly blamed for the lack of financial security in the household. The lack of solidarity in money matters can certainly pose quite a negative effect on the relationship, and will lead to a legal separation if need be.

Adultery - This is considered to be the most common reason for breakups in marriages. Some couples find a lack of intimacy in each other after having spent so many years together, one of the partners in the relationship may look for another alternative in terms of sexual satisfaction and even romance. This is quite the obvious reason, so to speak. Affairs will start up, the other party will eventually learn of it, and thus irreconcilable differences will ensue. It can be rather challenging to have to face the adulterous partner in the relationship and forgive him/her for the lack of faithfulness, which is why there are a lot of divorcees based on this particular reason.

Differences in lifestyle - while it is true that people are quite diverse from each other, their perception of both important and not-so-important matters can get in the way of them having any sort of compromise. Differences won't be settled and arguments may arise from it, thus leading to the possibility of a failed marriage. Their ideas would simply contradict each other's, and they will have to end the conflict by ending the relationship.

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When Will I Stop Hurting So Much?

Loneliness is one of the first most painful emotions to appear when you get divorced. Even if you were lonely in your marriage, it's just somehow different when you are living alone. Yes, this is true even if you have children living with you.

People express loneliness in a variety of ways. You may be like a hermit crab and withdraw into your shell, peering out at the rest of the world with a sad and dejected expression. Maybe you avoid experiencing loneliness by being with someone, actually anyone, so you don't have to be alone. Then again, you may experience loneliness by keeping busy - VERY busy - with work, or volunteer efforts, or with your children and their activities. You might even express your loneliness by a combination of these behaviors.

It's natural to feel lonely when your relationship ends. If you can recognize the pain of loneliness as an opportunity to heal, an opportunity for self-discovery, you'll be able to heal from it much more quickly than if you allow yourself to get stuck in it.

You'll know that you're becoming more aware of your loneliness and ready to start rediscovering wonderful things about yourself when you start asking the one question everyone who gets divorced asks: "When will I stop hurting so much?"

Unfortunately, I can't tell you exactly when the pain of loneliness will stop and no one else can either, no matter how much we wish we could. But, I can tell you some of the signs that you're getting over your loneliness and have started becoming comfortable with alone-ness. Sometimes knowing the indications that the worst is over can be incredibly comforting.

The signs you're moving forward beyond the painful feelings of loneliness include:

-When you stop hiding out at home

-When you stop trying to find any other relationship to avoid being lonely

-When you stop being connected 24x7 with Facebook, your iPhone, and the virtual realities of computer and online games

-When you are content doing activities by yourself - going to the movies, going out to eat, etc.

-When you stop letting feelings of loneliness control your behavior

-When you start enjoying the new things you're doing as part of your Functional Divorce

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

The next time you're hit with the pain of loneliness, take a moment, recognize that the pain will ease with time and know that you have some signs you can be on the lookout for to know that you're heading past the worst of it.

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6 Most Common Damaging Actions That Will Destroy a Marriage

When your marriage is failing, either you or your spouse may fall into destructive patterns that are reflected on how you deal with each other. Either of you can get physical or nag all the time because you feel it's the only way you can let your spouse listen and see your point. If this is happening in your marriage now, you are in a total mess. You are not only hurting each other but you are ruining your marriage. These actions cannot be negotiated; it must be put to a halt if you want to stay married.

Neither of you can justify these actions by just saying this is me. Your destructive attitude is the result of unresolved issues from the past that have accumulated through time. But must you really linger on the ugly things of have been and ruin your marriage? Keep in mind that words can hurt worse than a real wound and it leaves scars that take longer time to heal. And hurting your spouse can just widen the gap that has torn your marriage apart.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, these damaging actions must be avoided at all cost.

Undependable Spouse and Breaking One's Promises

You think that just because you two are already married, it is ok to break your promises? If you have made a promise but you can't keep it, be honest and say so. It is better to be honest that let your spouse expect so much only to be disappointed over and over again. When you say you will, you must. A lifetime commitment means sharing a life with someone who you can depend on from simplest to big things because it matters. Remember that trust is built over time and you wouldn't want your spouse to lose trust in you. Letting your spouse down and not keeping your word sends the wrong signal of indifference on your part and will damage your marriage.

Physical and / or Emotional Abuse on Your Spouse

You and your spouse share a life but you don't own your spouse. Maybe the use of foul language or treating your spouse like a slave is normal, but the reality is it is not. Physically and verbally abusing your spouse and maybe even your children may bring your marriage to an end. There's a limit to anyone's patience and tolerance. Do not be surprised if one day your spouse cannot take it anymore and just break away from you and the marriage. If you want to work things out and stay married, you must seek counseling if you tend to be in any manner abusive.

Putting Romance Aside

So many changes can happen in all the years that you are married but that must not include your affection and love for each other. If you don't talk about each other's expectations on romance, affection, or even sex, it will hurt your relationship. You do not need to wait for special occasions to express your love and appreciation towards your spouse. Romanticism is not exclusive for dating couples alone. You can be romantic everyday of your lives if you would just make an effort to be one. Hold hands when you are watching or hug when your spouse least expects it are just simple ways to be romantic. But its effect is a feeling of being wanted again.

Unwillingness or Inability to Forgive

Whether you are the aggrieved spouse or the aggressor, you have to forgive your spouse and yourself from any mistake. Failure to do so will harm both your physical health, emotional health, and your marriage. Resentments from betrayals and past mistakes will only tear your worlds apart and your love for your spouse may slowly die. To forgive does not mean you have to forget or overlook hurtful actions. But it would benefit both of you and your marriage if you will not let stubbornness and vengeful thoughts and acts end what could be fixed. Do not waste your time and effort looking back at past disappointments, insensitivity, anger, and other negative thoughts. Nothing will be achieved with this but bitterness and hate. Instead, focus on what can you do to get over any trial and learn to forgive.

Declining to Converse or Listen with Spouse

If you will shut your spouse off your life, thoughts, and feelings, you might as well have not married in the first place. But since you have your spouse to take part in your outlooks and thoughts, you must both listen and talk with each other. When you decline the willingness of your spouse to share and listen with you, you are turning away from putting back mental and emotional intimacy or maybe even physical intimacy with your spouse. It is very easy to say what is in your mind but what is in your heart is really important in order to keep the communication line open. When both of you can manage to do this, you will be in the right track in saving your marriage.

Jealousy and Lack of Trust

While a little and occasional jealousy can put a little mystery and spark to your married life, too much of it can suffocate your spouse. Irrational jealousy is one way that can surely drive either of the spouses away. Your inability to trust your spouse's fidelity might even result to spying which can really be dangerous and ruin the marriage. If you cannot acknowledge your jealousy or change your attitude, you have best seek professional counseling to address this issue.

Whether you have been married for a few years, a decade or more, you must always remember that both of you have feelings and individuality that you must learn to respect. When respect is lost, one or both will realize too late that you fell into a pothole of negativity. You will see that all you ever do are damaging actions. These damaging actions can do nothing but harm a marriage. Learn to avoid those actions to stay in a healthy marriage.

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