It seems like every few weeks you hear of another couple that gets divorced or separated. In fact, it's very rare to find anyone under forty-five that isn't in a second or third marriage. And it's even rarer to find anyone under fifty that has been with the same person for more than twenty years. The experts have analyzed this in depth and have come up with dozens of causes that go from stress to anhedonia.
The sad truth is that one could spend all day trying to figure out what's going on, who's to blame, and who should fix it. There would be many different versions and multiple opinions. But the fact still remains that break-ups are painful.
Although each case is different and should be respected as such, I have found that in general, women who are going through divorce or separation can be classified into three big groups:
a. My life ended
b. Thank God he's gone
c. There's many more fish in the pond
In this article, we'll focus on the first group; the women who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
First of all, when a couple decides to unite their lives, divorce should not even be an option. The moment you start seeing it as a possibility, it can easily become a reality. Part of the problem is that traditionally, people enter the marriage relationship with high expectations in regards to what the other person needs to do to make the relationship work. That right there is a huge mistake. You cannot ever account for another person's behavior or performance. You can't change anyone but yourself. Therefore your expectations upon entering marriage can only be about your own behavior and performance.
That being said, what do you do when your spouse wants to end the relationship and you want to keep it? You let him go. I know it sounds contradictory because we have been told to fight for love, and never let go, etc. But honestly, when a man has made up his mind to leave you, there's very little you can do to hold him back. What I've found is that the more you struggle to hold on to him, the more determined he becomes to move on. Now, a word of caution: you should let him know that you want to save the relationship. I'm not suggesting that you shrug and say "whatever" when he tells you he's leaving.
So he's gone. What now? Here are a few suggestions:
· Honestly evaluate your role in the break-up. It's very easy to play the blame game and convince yourself that it was all his fault. Be honest with yourself and own up to the parts you're responsible for.
· Talk to a counselor. Although you might think it's enough to talk to your sister friends, this could end up doing more harm than good. Remember that these women will most likely take sides and will make some harsh and probably disrespectful pronouncements about your former spouse. Regardless of what you think about him, never allow that. On the other hand, a counselor will help you work through the pain without judgment.
· Watch your tongue. When your friends notice what's going on, they will inevitably want to know more. By constantly repeating the negative details of your story you'll end up hurting yourself deeper, not to mention that you will be feeding the gossipers.
· Take up a hobby. You might be tempted to simply sit around feeling sorry for yourself. I suggest that you find something interesting to do with your time. Scrapbooking, dance lessons, book club, photography classes, cooking classes, or scuba diving are just a few examples of hobbies that will take your mind off yourself.
· Give back. A woman I know dealt with her loss by volunteering at an orphanage. By spending time taking care of these children, she eventually realized that she had a whole lot to live for. Find a soup kitchen, shelter, or other care-giving facility and invest your time in the underprivileged.
· Change something. A lot of women find that it helps to get some type of makeover after a divorce. You don't need to go the whole way; a small change in your hair style or hair color can do a lot to help you fell better about yourself.
· Be nice. You might still need to have contact with your former spouse for many different reasons. Don't be rude and disrespectful. You might think he deserves it, but you will only be hurting yourself and giving him reasons to believe he made the right choice by leaving you.
· Forgive. Notice I didn't say forget. It's physically impossible for the human brain to forget, however, painful memories can get stored in a place where they no longer control you. What you've heard is absolutely true: when you hold on to resentment it's like you're drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.
· Don't involve the children. A lot of people think it's acceptable to bad-mouth their former spouse to their mutual kids. That is not only childish but also incredibly selfish. No matter what he did to you, that man is their father. And if you think he's stupid, you're not that smart either because you not only married him, but had kids with him.
· Become a better you. Read good books, hang out with positive people, listen to songs with uplifting lyrics, and plant a garden. Difficulties always bring along opportunities for growth, take advantage of them.
Abba's song "Knowing Me, Knowing You" comes to mind as I write, specifically the line that says "breaking up is never easy, I know, but I have to go..." Be aware that it might hurt more and for longer than you expected, but time heals all wounds, and in the end everything's gonna be alright.
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