Relationships take work. They take work to make them work and grow. And they take work to be redefined or completely dissolved when you get divorced. Whether you're looking to make a relationship work, redefine it or dissolve it, the most important thing is communication.
Well, I disagree. I think these experts miss the mark. Communication is very important in relationships, but how many times have you communicated with someone and there was a misunderstanding, or feelings got hurt, or tempers flared? Just communicating with someone isn't what makes a relationship work or helps to redefine it or dissolve it. It's the quality of the communication that is vital to the success of a relationship and it's transition.
Now I hope you're asking, "What does she mean by the quality of the communication?" because that's exactly the question I'm going to answer now.
The quality of communication is all about being truthful and respectful in how you express yourself. Its about allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your truth about you. But vulnerability is a funny thing. It can work against you and leave you feeling shame, fear and imprisoned. It can also work for you and leave you feeling free and affirmed. You can experience this affirming kind of vulnerability only when you have a deep connection, appreciation and love for yourself. You have to really know yourself to allow yourself to be freed by your vulnerability.
Having a deep connection with yourself is required for a truthful and respectful quality communication. If you don't know yourself, it's hard to be truthful about what's going on with you - what you're thinking, what you're doing, how you're feeling, and why you might be thinking, doing, and feeling what you are. This isn't to say that you have to know EVERYTHING about you to have a high quality of communication. A connection with yourself is more about the ability to be truthful with yourself and spending time exploring your thoughts, feelings and behaviors so you can understand and connect with yourself even more deeply. It's about your willingness to be present with yourself and explore what makes you you.
The thing is, it's not always easy to have a deep connection with yourself. Normal life experiences can get in the way of your connection with you. I remind myself this by H.A.L.T. When I'm feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired it's probably not a good idea for me to attempt a quality communication with someone because these needs that must be dealt with first. I'll bet the same holds true for you.
When we're hungry our bodies are demanding attention. It can become virtually impossible to be consistently aware of much else besides the search for food. When we're angry, our fight, flight or freeze response is generally engaged and we're not aware about much of anything else about ourselves. When we're lonely and feeling disconnected, we're not connected with ourselves or anyone else. And when we're tired, our bodies and minds are pulling us away from any connection with ourselves outside of the need to recharge and relax.
I have a strong belief in not being able to give to someone else what I don't have for myself. If I'm not feeling appreciation, compassion, and love for myself, it's VERY, VERY difficult, if not impossible, for me to give to someone else. Sound familiar?
And yet, being respectful, which comes from a sense of appreciation and compassion if not of love, is a requirement for quality communication. It's kinda like those oxygen masks that are supposed to drop from the compartments above our heads in an airplane should the cabin lose air pressure. You put your mask on first before you help anyone else with theirs. If you don't put your mask on first, you run the risk of not being able to help anyone else or yourself. You've got to make sure you've got what you need to be able to help before you do help.
What happens if you don't have a sense of appreciation, compassion and love for yourself and attempt to communicate truthfully? You then to experience fear and shame - the negative side of vulnerability. Sharing yourself and feeling fear and shame destroys the quality of communication. It eats away at the connection between two people and begins to eliminate the possibility of joy, creativity, belonging, and love for them.
Like most things in life, our communication experience depends on us. In order to consistently communicate truthfully and respectfully with others, we must consistently come from a place of deep connection, appreciation and love for ourselves. This isn't always easy to do. Developing and nurturing this communion with ourselves is at the root of the work required for the quality communication that relationships need to be able to survive, grow, change and yes, even end.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
What role did communication play in your separation and/or divorce? Many of my clients point to a lack of communication being at the root of their separation and divorce. At first they tend to blame their former spouse. And, yet, once we dig more into situation, they will often realize that their lack of connection with themselves also played a role in the poor quality of communication they had in their marriage.
How can you nurture a deeper connection, appreciation and love for yourself? Taking care of yourself is where I always suggest people start. Make sure you're getting enough exercise, sleep, nutrition and hydration and you'll be able to focus more on discovering and appreciating you.
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