Divorce, What It Means for Property and Debt

When you think about property in a divorce, it's not just a question of what you own (your assets) when a marriage ends.

There's also the unpleasant reality of debts. Just like the courts divide assets, they also divide debts in a divorce settlement. The biggest kinds of debt besides a mortgage are car loans and credit card debt.

Debt generated before marriage is considered separate debt. In addition, some states treat some types of debt (most often credit card debt) as separate debt, depending on which spouse signed the credit card application. Other states consider all debt generated during marriage to be joint debt. Any debt will be divided according to the law of the state where you live, so it's important to understand how your state treats debt in a marriage.

Some Important Exercises and Questions to Consider in a Divorce

1. List your significant assets. Could any of these assets be considered separate? Do you have any assets now that you owned before marriage?

2. Now list your debts. Remember to include things like car loans or mortgages as well as credit card debt. How do you think your debts would be seen by a divorce court? Would any be considered separate? Check the law in your state to see if credit card debt is seen as the responsibility of the couple or the person whose name appears on the account.

3. If you don't own intangible property (such as a business), talk to someone who does, and see how they would put a dollar value on it. Ask about the difference between the financial value and the emotional value of the asset.

Find out how he or she would feel about having a judge put a dollar value on the asset. How would this person feel about having to buy out his or her spouse for the half interest in the business? Do you think this is fair?

4. How can you find out whether the state where you live is a community-property state? Would knowing that change anything about the way you handle your property? (Remember, property can include all sorts of things-from a car to a retirement account.)

5. What kinds of records or documents would a person have to keep in order to show that he or she owned property before getting married? Why could this be important?

6. Here's a good one: The vows a couple says when they get married aren't the legally enforceable terms of the contract defined by the state that makes them a married couple. Try explaining to someone else the difference between marriage vows and a contract. It's the best way to see if you understand the difference yourself!

Divorce can be unpleasant enough without dealing with surprises concerning property and debt, and who owns what or owes what portion. Having these questions answered before you start the divorce process will save you time and money on attorney fees, as well as any hidden surprises once the divorce process actually begins.

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Taking Time Out to Smell the Roses

It used to be that I was a workaholic. I'd have my days scheduled top to bottom with things to do. Sitting still used to make me anxious! I kept thinking about all the stuff I HAD to do. Yeah, I didn't think about what I wanted to do or what I enjoyed doing, but about what I HAD to do.

As you've probably guessed, I'm no longer a workaholic. I understand that I'm a human being and not a human doing. But it took me a while to rejoin the human beings.

When we're going through a lot of stress, like getting divorced, most of us tend to become human doings. We get caught up in everything we HAVE to do and forget to allow ourselves the much needed time to adjust to the HUGE changes we're going through. Sometimes, all the things we have to do become so large that we become almost paralyzed by them. We just don't do much of anything for a while. (This is when our bodies have taken over and essentially forced us to relax.) Think of it as a version of freeze in the fight, flight, or freeze response.

One of the things you can do to help yourself remain a human being and avoid becoming a human doing and the fight, flight or freeze response is to regularly take time out to smell the roses. Now you can literally go and smell roses or any other flowers you like as a way to take a break and reconnect with the rest of the human beings. But I suspect there just might be something else you'd like to do that is equally inexpensive that can help you reconnect with you.

Some things you might consider are:

• Going for a walk
• Taking a swim at the community pool
• Going for a picnic
• Taking a drive to the country side
• Hiking in the woods

You get the picture, there are plenty of things you can do that cost little to nothing and yet can be really rejuvenating. Just a simple change in scenery can often work wonders.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What are some simple ways you can "smell the roses"? I find that the best time to think of these things is when you don't need them. If you find that you do need them right now, then just try one of the ones I listed above.

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More Men Receiving Spousal and Child Support

After a divorce, spousal support (known as maintenance) and child support often has to be paid by one half a former couple to their ex-partner. This usually occurs where one spouse earns more than the other, particularly if the difference is significant.

In the past it was usual for men to earn much more than women. In fact, there was a time when women in work was rare and they usually stayed at home to look after children. With women having never worked or having given up work it meant that their earning potential was limited post-divorce. They may have given up the opportunity of a career to be a wife and mother, with the latter continuing after the divorce. This caused laws to be introduced whereby men would be required to make maintenance payments to their ex-wives, both to support themselves and, where relevant, support their children. Maintenance would depend on the difference in earnings as well as each person's costs.

Sometimes maintenance and child support is agreed between a former couple while there are other times when it is dictated by a court of law. If one half of a former couple do not believe they are getting the support they should be they can seek legal assistance in an attempt to gain this. Where it is deemed that the lower earning person or the parent with primary custody should be receiving support then this will be ordered. This can be particularly the case where one person has given up a potential career for family reasons, such as staying at home to look after children.

In the past maintenance and child support was something that in the vast majority of cases was paid by men to women. While this is still more common, times are changing, and women supporting men in this way has become more of a regular occurrence.

It is no longer certain that a man will earn more than his wife with more women in high authority positions and more women earning high salaries. An increasing number of couples decide that it make sense for the husband to stay home a look after their children while his higher earning wife works.

Due to the changing nature of families it is more common that a woman is in a better financial position that her ex-husband after their divorce. This means that instances of women having to make maintenance payments to men is becoming increasingly common. With men also looking after children more it means that cases of them having primary custody of children post-divorce is also becoming more common. Mothers are, therefore, more likely to have to pay child support rather than receive it.

There is much more variety in how families work these days with it not always the case that a man is the higher earner. This means that men are more likely to need the financial support of their ex-wives, and in turn, more likely to receive spousal support or child support. The proportion of men receiving support is still low compared with women but it is rising, a trend that is likely to continue in the future.

Andrew Marshall ©

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The Most Important Thing for a Successful Relationship Isn't Communication

Relationships take work. They take work to make them work and grow. And they take work to be redefined or completely dissolved when you get divorced. Whether you're looking to make a relationship work, redefine it or dissolve it, the most important thing is communication.

Well, I disagree. I think these experts miss the mark. Communication is very important in relationships, but how many times have you communicated with someone and there was a misunderstanding, or feelings got hurt, or tempers flared? Just communicating with someone isn't what makes a relationship work or helps to redefine it or dissolve it. It's the quality of the communication that is vital to the success of a relationship and it's transition.

Now I hope you're asking, "What does she mean by the quality of the communication?" because that's exactly the question I'm going to answer now.

The quality of communication is all about being truthful and respectful in how you express yourself. Its about allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your truth about you. But vulnerability is a funny thing. It can work against you and leave you feeling shame, fear and imprisoned. It can also work for you and leave you feeling free and affirmed. You can experience this affirming kind of vulnerability only when you have a deep connection, appreciation and love for yourself. You have to really know yourself to allow yourself to be freed by your vulnerability.

Having a deep connection with yourself is required for a truthful and respectful quality communication. If you don't know yourself, it's hard to be truthful about what's going on with you - what you're thinking, what you're doing, how you're feeling, and why you might be thinking, doing, and feeling what you are. This isn't to say that you have to know EVERYTHING about you to have a high quality of communication. A connection with yourself is more about the ability to be truthful with yourself and spending time exploring your thoughts, feelings and behaviors so you can understand and connect with yourself even more deeply. It's about your willingness to be present with yourself and explore what makes you you.

The thing is, it's not always easy to have a deep connection with yourself. Normal life experiences can get in the way of your connection with you. I remind myself this by H.A.L.T. When I'm feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired it's probably not a good idea for me to attempt a quality communication with someone because these needs that must be dealt with first. I'll bet the same holds true for you.

When we're hungry our bodies are demanding attention. It can become virtually impossible to be consistently aware of much else besides the search for food. When we're angry, our fight, flight or freeze response is generally engaged and we're not aware about much of anything else about ourselves. When we're lonely and feeling disconnected, we're not connected with ourselves or anyone else. And when we're tired, our bodies and minds are pulling us away from any connection with ourselves outside of the need to recharge and relax.

I have a strong belief in not being able to give to someone else what I don't have for myself. If I'm not feeling appreciation, compassion, and love for myself, it's VERY, VERY difficult, if not impossible, for me to give to someone else. Sound familiar?

And yet, being respectful, which comes from a sense of appreciation and compassion if not of love, is a requirement for quality communication. It's kinda like those oxygen masks that are supposed to drop from the compartments above our heads in an airplane should the cabin lose air pressure. You put your mask on first before you help anyone else with theirs. If you don't put your mask on first, you run the risk of not being able to help anyone else or yourself. You've got to make sure you've got what you need to be able to help before you do help.

What happens if you don't have a sense of appreciation, compassion and love for yourself and attempt to communicate truthfully? You then to experience fear and shame - the negative side of vulnerability. Sharing yourself and feeling fear and shame destroys the quality of communication. It eats away at the connection between two people and begins to eliminate the possibility of joy, creativity, belonging, and love for them.

Like most things in life, our communication experience depends on us. In order to consistently communicate truthfully and respectfully with others, we must consistently come from a place of deep connection, appreciation and love for ourselves. This isn't always easy to do. Developing and nurturing this communion with ourselves is at the root of the work required for the quality communication that relationships need to be able to survive, grow, change and yes, even end.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

What role did communication play in your separation and/or divorce? Many of my clients point to a lack of communication being at the root of their separation and divorce. At first they tend to blame their former spouse. And, yet, once we dig more into situation, they will often realize that their lack of connection with themselves also played a role in the poor quality of communication they had in their marriage.

How can you nurture a deeper connection, appreciation and love for yourself? Taking care of yourself is where I always suggest people start. Make sure you're getting enough exercise, sleep, nutrition and hydration and you'll be able to focus more on discovering and appreciating you.

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